The Grass Doctor

Can someone help with my 9th grade essay?

Can you read it and tell me what you think? What do I need to do to improve it? I need four of the techniques for goood writting? Could you help point out which parts they are? I have to highlight those parts, thank you! The West has been pictured as open,empty, dry land. The West has a unique geography mountains, plateaus, deserts, and grasslands. The West has the highest mountain ranges and both the hottest and coldest temperatures found anywhere within the continental United States.Prior to the nineteenth century, Native American tribes occupied virtually every habitable region and its large numbers of buffalo, beaver, prairie dogs, wolves, wild horses, and coyotes called the area home. My destination was to explore this lonesome area . We had made a camp and I was hiking around. My dad and his riding companions went to round up some cows earlier that day. I was expecting them back before dark. The desert sets the scene for a sight, It was a blue, black sky at dusk in Nevada, I will never forget. My close encounter with the wild horses.What an experience! It felt like a step back in time. Seeing the horses in their natural habitat. Its hard to describe, But is something everyone should see,something that is truly free ! So beautiful, and strong willed. There were seven in all, two were small, jumping and playing. There was a breeze that made their manes and tails dance in the wind like spiritual creatures. The mares I assume were eating dry grass , and the bigger black stallion pranced around like he was protecting them and watching over the herd.They might have senced I was there, but all I could smell was prairie sage I watched them for quite a while until the riders arrived and the wild horses ran behind the hills that surrounded a small spring. This experience happened several years ago, I have since read articles about people shooting the horses. And the BLM has cought alot of them and brought them in for adoption, if they are not adopted they are shipped to Texas for slaughter by two foreign owned plants Beltex and Dallas and shipped overseas to Europe, Japan, Scandinavia and other countries for human consumtion. Over a billion dollar industry for them.

Public Comments

1. I think you've got some excellent imagery in there. In fact, some of the sentences depict such a clear image I would think it was written by someone older than 9th grade. BUT I do think you need a little structure to it. It starts out by describing the west, then it describes the horses, then it cuts abruptly to the BLM and the slaughter. You need to introduce the main point of the essay closer to the beginning. I read all the way to the end, but when I got there, I still wasn't clear on what the essay is about. But excellent imagery and descriptions.